I mean, let’s be honest – I didn’t really go anywhere. I was here. In Orlando. Maybe at work, maybe at home. But yeah, if you look at my Instagram or my Facebook, I took a small step out of the social media world for a bit. I mean, don’t get it twisted, I would scroll. I would see your sweet pics, funny memes, etc . But I needed to take a step back from putting myself out there.
Why? I think, I struggle with self love – a lot. And to be honest, I was using my social media to look for it (self love) in the outside world. I mean let’s be honest. We put the best pics out there. Stand in the “right” pose. (When you all see me on social – you are seeing the best me. I don’t get any better than that. LOL! That’s it – that’s the top of the Kristie line. ) I digress – you can’ t find self love in the outside world, now can you? That’s quite the oxymoron. For some strange reason, I want to present myself as if I am completely put together. And even if I vent, I want it to look the right way. And why? Imma tell you in a second.
But I’ll tell you something else. I struggled with jealousy. I really did. When I would see, in my perception, the perfect family – perfect clothes – perfect kids – perfect cars – perfect vacations. They seem financially set. Spiritually grounded. I really would let my inner voice beat me up. The things and insults I would hurl at myself – well, I wouldn’t say it to my worst enemy. It took an unexpected mentor to say to me – “Baby, you are that to other people. They see you as the perfect one. Always postive. Always coiffed. Always, always, always.” And she was right. And that’s when I thought – step back and do some serious soul searching, girl.
Here is what I realized. It’s okay to be a mess. It’s okay not to post that you are a mess. It’s okay to post that you are. It’s fine – and you owe no one anything. We don’t have to prove ourselves to each other, and feeling like you do? Well, that was my ego talking. My ego wanting to be stroked. My ego saying, tell me I am good. Tell me I am pretty. Give me value.
Then that moment where I realize, I am valued. By so many people. And it isn’t because of social media. It’s a little boy climbing up in my bed and saying, “Good morning, mommy”. It’s my daughter, asking me to come by her job so she can introduce me to her work friends. It’s my oldest son, leaving me a note that says “I love and appreciate you.” It’s grabbing my hand and the car. Kissing my head. That being said, I had to punish the same little boy for talking back. My daughter crying and screaming because she had a blowout. My oldest son being blatantly hateful – because he needs a nap. But even then, I am valued. Even in the dark moments. I am being a good mom by punishing my son for being sassy. My daughter, albeit she gave me a heart attack, she called me to rescue her. To tell her what to do. And my oldest? He walked up to me later and apologized, and said he was beat. All on his own. So with each good there’s bad – and it’s that way for everyone.
So, I will keep posting. I will keep writing. It might get read, it might not. It might be liked. It might not. My hope is this. That I will become more aware of myself, more grateful, less critical, more loving, and more accepting. That when I see something that makes me feel jealous? Well, in that moment, I am going to take an inventory of my blessings. I am going to pray that my heart loves more. That I care more.
And hey, you wanna know what I have figured out? There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m worthy, I matter, I’m significant, because I exist. Not because of anything I have accomplished. I am not less worthy because of anything that has been done to me or anything I have done. Same goes for you, too. Ya know why? Because we are human.
To wrap it up, I love each and everyone one of you – and I hope you have a Very Merry Christmas! And below? Well, Here is some pics from the past month or so. Enjoy!
Love Fully. Live Fully. Shine on.