I am a "knower"….

Okay, so here is something weird.  I really think God didn’t want me to most my blog last night because he wanted me to write about something else…. So here it is.  First and foremost, a little back history.  Jacqueline and I were talking about faith – and why I believe what I believe.  And then I realized something.  I don’t like the term “believer”.  Because my faith isn’t just something that I believe in – I know it.  I know 2+2=4.  So, I know what God has done for me.  I know how he changed my life.  I know how he changed my husbands life.
This past few days have been horrible.  I have cried at the drop of a hat.  Everything makes me feel extremely lonely.  I miss him.  He made me feel alive.  And I have prayed and cried and prayed and cried.  And I am still here – writing this tonight.  I have been praying for this – I consider myself in a way an amputee.  I have lost a part of me that I will never get back.  And although, I might walk around and smile. I might laugh.  I sing.  I play with my kids.  I am never going to be completely whole again.  I might learn to live with it – but I am not the same.  
But I also know this.  God is working all of these emotions, hardships, and trials – to make something beautiful.  He needed Shaun.  I am not sure why, and I will probably never know, but he needed him.  And I know that God hears my prayers.  I know he knows how hurt I am, and he wants me to heal as I can.  But he is using this.  And using me.  I have learned things about myself through this that I never knew.  I have learned things about God, my faith, that I never knew existed.  I have learned sad things, too.  Such as, how a holiday doesn’t seem like something fun anymore.  It is almost like rubbing salt in a wound.  I have learned that being the only parent in a house is demanding.  I have learned how good my memory is.  How a smell, a look from Jacoby, a conversation – can stir up a whole new memory in my mind.  And I am so thankful for those.  I have a lot in front of me right now.  A lot that I am trying to do – a balancing act, if you will.  But, please – keep me in your prayers this week.  I know I will get through it – I just dread it.  And I want you to know, how madly, deeply, and passionately I am still in love with him.  I think of him 1000 times a day.

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