Waiting is the hardest part….

So, today = no bueno.  I fell right back into some mega pit of despair.  Yep, that would describe it.  A pit.  A big hole – with marble walls – where no matter how hard you climb – there’s nothing to grab onto -nothing to help you out.  And you feel like the bottom is sinking lower.  But then, all of a sudden – it feels like someone is lifting you out.  Kind of like pulling – but with a zillion hands that you can’t see.  And they get you out of the hole.  Which is great.  But what you know is this.  Although they all pull you out – you are teetering on the edge of that hole – and you don’t know when you are gonna fall in again.  And it’s a scary feeling.

I love him so much.  And the word is Love – not lovED. And I miss him.  And this is not where I thought my life would be at this point.  I really didn’t.  I thought I would be working, right alongside Shaun, and raising the kids.  But now, I am alone.  And it’s scary.  But that’s not the bad part.  It’s the absolute missing them.  And you can’t do anything about it.  You can’t go visit.  You can’t catch a plane.  You are here – they are there – and that’s the way it will be for an uncertain amount of time.  And then, you look forward to the day that you see them again – and that sounds morbid – because that means you are dead.  And you don’t want to be dead – because you have three amazing kids that you want to be with. 

I can’t wait to see his smile again.  My troubles disappearred when I saw it.  I can’t wait to hear him sing again.  I miss hearing it in the shower.  I can’t wait to hear him laugh, and make a silly face, like he can.  I can’t wait to see him old his kids.  I can’t wait to dance with him again – and know it will never end this time.  I can’t wait to feel his kiss again.  I know that day is coming, I’m just going to have to wait.  I bet it will be a beautiful reunion.  My goodness, I love him.  And thank goodness God is so faithful to us – when he gives and when he takes away – how can I not be faithful, too?

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