So, there are times when I laugh. Loudly. And dance. On June 23, 2011 – I felt like I would never laugh again. There are still moments where I don’t feel like I will – but then – shockingly, I do. No matter what I am doing, what I am saying, what I am thinking – the loss I suffered is always with me. I look at my arm and there he is. I could never love another human the way I loved that man. So, my answer to the question, “Are you okay?” Is no. No, I am not okay. I have learned to find pleasure in the simple things. Live each minute to the fullest. Try hard not to get annoyed – it will all pass, and will seem silly later. I will try things I never thought I would. I will laugh. I am determined to laugh and smile more than I cry each day.
But I know that the hole left by Shaun will never be filled. Not ever. And I don’t want it to be. I want that ache, that pain. Because for one, it makes me know that I am still here. Second, I know how precious our time was – albeit way too short. I am different now than I was 6 months ago. I will find joy in everything that I possibly can – people, music, life, friends, family, the list goes on. Because that’s just it. That’s all that there is to our short time here. I will praise God for all he has done for me, and long for the day that I get to be with him and Shaun. But, while God wants me here – I will do what he wants. And I will be happy. But just because I am happy, I still have a lot of pain. I miss him. He was my best friend, my everything. So once again, I’m not okay, but I am surviving.