I’m not okay….

So, there are times when I laugh.  Loudly.  And dance.  On June 23, 2011 – I felt like I would never laugh again.  There are still moments where I don’t feel like I will – but then – shockingly, I do.  No matter what I am doing, what I am saying, what I am thinking – the loss I suffered is always with me.  I look at my arm and there he is.  I could never love another  human the way I loved that man.  So, my answer to the question, “Are you okay?”  Is no.  No, I am not okay.  I have learned to find pleasure in the simple things.  Live each minute to the fullest.  Try hard not to get annoyed – it will all pass, and will seem silly later.  I will try things I never thought I would.  I will laugh.  I am determined to laugh and smile more than I cry each day.

But I know that the hole left by Shaun will never be filled.  Not ever.  And I don’t want it to be.  I want that ache, that pain.  Because for one, it makes me know that I am still here.  Second, I know how precious our time was – albeit way too short.  I am different now than I was 6 months ago.  I will find joy in everything that I possibly can – people, music, life, friends, family, the list goes on.  Because that’s just it.  That’s all that there is to our short time here.  I will praise God for all he has done for me, and long for the day that I get to be with him and Shaun.  But, while God wants me here  – I will do what he wants.  And I will be happy.  But just because I am happy, I still have a lot of pain.  I miss him.  He was my best friend, my everything.  So once again, I’m not okay, but I am surviving.

One Comment Add yours

  1. momto2tweens says:

    Kristie – I am sure many people that have gone through what you are going through feel the same way. You some times laugh, joke, and have good days but it doesn't take the pain away. You continue to inspire me. I think that although I never knew Shaun he wouldn't want you to not laugh or not have a good day. I think most people don't want those of us left behind to be miserable but our human heart and soul aches with sadness in their absence.

    Like

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