Today I had the weirdest, strangest memory. It’s not that he memory was weird or strange, I guess. But it was sudden. I was just sitting there… thinking about my work that I was doing… and then BOOM! It was a snippet of a memory like playing in my eyes. Nothing even really important. Shaun and I loved to ride the “Flying Eagles” at Kings Dominion. We called it “our” ride. Cause, first and foremost – that is a thrill ride to me, because I am a big chicken. He loved it when I got all scared and nervous and hid my face in his arm, but I loved it. My memory was this – I saw it from my own point of view. Like out of my own eyes. And I was grabbing his arm, and he was swinging the eagle. And we were both laughing. I could see the trees whiz by. And when I remembered, I wasn’t thinking about Kings Dominion, I wasn’t thinking about anything really – kinda in a robotic work moment. It was weird. And of course, the tears start falling. Because I want that. I want that back.
I have so much going on in my head right now, it’s hard to decipher what is and isn’t important to tell… So if I seem jumbled up – it’s well, because I am. But one thing that I thought about today was this. I was trying to envision what heaven is like for him. And I call I can envision is what it will be for me. In this moment, my idea of heaven is this – Shaun leaning down to kiss me. Feeling the weight of him in bed beside me. Hearing his “Bert and Ernie” laugh echoing through my ears. Feeling his big hand grabbing mine before grace – and then him catching me and me catching him looking with one eye at the kids. Hearing him tell me to “Relax…” and then tapping his leg for me to come and sit beside him to snuggle. I can’t wait to see him reunited with our son. I can’t wait to see his face light up with recognition when he sees me. I know that heaven is a lot more than that. But right now, that’s all that I can even imagine. I picture him scooping me up when I get there, and running, while kissing me the whole time, to go meet God. Seeing the joy and excitement on his face, that he gets to share this with me. I know then, I will no longer taste the taste of my tears and makeup mixed up from running down my face. I will be able to see clearly again. And I feel like everything that I see now, no matter how wonderful, there is a big cloud of sorrow hanging around it. I can’t wait to see with my own eyes, that everything is okay. I know that day is coming, I guess I am just going to have to wait.