Torture….

Yep.  That’s a good word.  Well, not a good word, per se – but descriptive.  One of Webster’s definitions of torture is “to afflict with severe pain of body or mind”.  And well, I have both.  It seems all I can do is think about what I am missing.  I have such a hard time – at times – being happy for Shaun.  Because, frankly, I am some what self absorbed and I feel sorry for me.  And, albeit I know he is better off than any of us – I still find it weird to feel joy for someone who has died.  Because I still feel sad for the ones left here on earth.  Is that even normal?  I don’t know.
Take Amy Winehouse dying today for example.  I know that probably no one in this world was shocked.  But I find it horribly sad. I cried, pretty hard, when I found out.  Not because I am a die hard Amy Winehouse fan, because it is tragic. I, like probably a good chunk of the population, thought she was somewhat nutty, had a lot of  problems, but boy – that broad could sing.  But today, when I heard she died, all I could think about was the pain that her family was feeling.  How horrible their day was.  How, even though I am sure they worried about her due to her public displays of rebellion – they loved her.  And their hearts are broken.  Are they in shock?  Do they have that same feeling like – this is not real?  She might have been famous, had a ton of money, but that poor girl was miserable.  It was visible just to look at her.  And I really hope that her loved ones find peace in the fact that she is no longer tortured.  Now it is their turn to be.  I don’t mean that ugly – I just know that, from personal experience, it feels like torture.  You heart feels physical pain – like heart attack moments.  Maybe even like a weight is inside and pulling it down… and sometimes it feels “burnish”.  But then  your brain aches – with all the memories, sweet but painful.
I know that our lives are fleeting.  Time is fleeting.  I know that I will be reunited with Shaun in heaven.  I daydream about what that day will be like.  I mean, will he get memos as important things happen in life?  I cannot wait to jump in those huge arms again and feel that hug.  I wish I could describe to you what hugging him felt like.  Everyone should have that feeling at some point in their lives.  Complete and total love and protection.  I felt protected by him.  He would have taken a bullet for me.  I know that.  It’s scary to have to turn into the protector/provider/parent – in an instant.  It’s scary to picture him never being on earth again.  It’s scary that I don’t know how long it will be before I see him in heaven.  But it’s wonderful to know that God has blessed me beyond belief, to where he will be waiting there for me.  And I will get my perfect hug again….

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