I wish I could be stronger….

I wish I could be stronger.  More self-assured, more confident.  I see people walking around everyday, and they ooze confidence.  Shaun gave me such an amazing amount of confidence.  That man honestly believed that I could do anything.  He never doubted it.  When I doubted it, he would firmly(yet lovingly-at least most of the time) tell me how ridiculous I was being and why I could do it.  He rationalized it as simple as anything.  It didn’t matter what the task was – he was behind me.  Cheering me on, praying for me, sending me notes, messages, anything to boost my confidence.  I had racks and racks of notes at my old position, because he filled my purse, my lunchboxes, my car.  One night, I came home, and there were a ton of notes stuck to the bathroom mirror – telling me how fantastic I was.  Who is that lucky?  That’s this girl.  So how do you carry on with that? I accomplished a whole lot in the past year – and it was him behind me.  WE accomplished it.  Because without his love and support, I could have never done it.  I try to think of this as like military basic training.  You get knocked down, to get built up stronger than you ever were before.  But this seems like a low I never could imagine.  I don’t know how you get up from this.  I am trying, but I feel like when I get a little bit of dirt to pull myself up – it falls off in my hand and crumbles away.  The book of Jeremiah is an acrostic poem.  I decided to write one – by the way – I am definitely not a poet. 🙂

Just yesterday it seems you were here,
Eating, sleeping, and loving beside me.
Sometimes I look to see if you are coming through the door.
Everytime it hurts more when I realize you aren’t.
Surely, this can’t be true.

How do I go on?
Every second, every minute, or even everyday.
All that I knew, my security was taken from me.
Little did I know how much it meant to have you.

Maybe, tomorrow will be better.
Everyday you will be loved – whether you are on this planet or not.

So, there is my acrostic poem.  I hope you like it – I really do.  I bet Shaun would – or he would laugh and call me weird… Nonetheless, he would love something about it – because he loved something about everything I did – even if he didn’t “get” it.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. momto2tweens says:

    Kristie, I can't imagine the pain that you are having to endure. I do understand having your own personal cheerleader, someone that understands you almost better than you understand yourself. I can't imagine having that ripped away. I too would feel lost, helpless,are there really words to truly describe it?However, YOU are an amazing woman! I never knew Shaun personally but I have know your for many years! He must have been an amazing man! You paint a beautiful picture of him with your words. How lucky anyone could be to have or have shared the type of love, devotion, support, and true friendship you had.I have read your other posts. I haven't seen your breakdowns or your crying for hours. But I can only imagine how I would be. I have seen your optimism, your faith in the Lord and your determination to carry on Shaun's plan of telling others about Jesus! You are an amazement to me. I am sure that Shaun is looking down on you and smiling ear to ear at the strength,determination, and passion you have to carry out God's word!

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  2. Thank you so much Shanna, he really was amazing… and a wonderful gift to me. I am so in love with him – still – and will always be. It's just so hard to figure out what to do next. I want the world to know – and I feel like it's my job to do it – share him, how God changed his life – because he can't do it now, and he did it so passionately. I just gotta figure that one out.

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