It’s 745pm and my eyes are on fire…

Not a creative title, but it is factual.  My eyes are burning as if I poured acid in my eyes, at least, I think that’s what it would feel like.  I seriously cried for almost 5 hours last night. I don’t know why.  I couldn’t stop myself from googling sad songs, thinking of Shaun.  I was looking at his picture.  His clothes.  I couldn’t sleep. I had a weird dream – like when you are half asleep half aren’t – where I thought I was interviewing him.  That could have been hysterical sleep. Because I was the epitome of hysterical.  I had a hard time talking to anyone, I just wanted Shaun to see and feel everything in my heart.  I am sure, that going back to work played a part of all that.
I was nervous for me, Jacoby, the new job, you name it.  You can reference below to see about the job.  And, It isn’t bad – I just know it’s not what I am meant to do.  But I will do it like a trooper until God shows me what is in store for me.  He might be trying to let me get my hysteria out, before showing me something else to do.  And here’s the thing I want to express to everyone.  I hurt beyond any pain I ever thought I could bear.  I didn’t think  you could live if you had pain this deep.  I can’t sleep.  I can’t eat.  I have a hard time getting through the day without using a complete box of tissues.  Commercials where  people kiss, it makes me bitter.  I am jealous.  I had that.  I want it back.  I run through a gammut of emotions throughout the day.  And it makes me feel crazy.
The pain I feel, like a scalding iron through my heart – every time I speak or get ready to text/call him and realize I can’t.  But, Because of all these emotions, and as horrible as they are – as unbearable as they seem – I AM NOT DEAD YET.  God, obviously wants me here.  He is also allowing me to feel this way, so maybe I am supposed to.  I have begged, pleaded, and probably will a million times more – just to understand.  But I know I never will.  But God will show me – over time – of that I know.  And I have complete faith in him.  That’s the easy part.  I know he is carrying me right now – and I am load to carry I am sure – because if my heart weighs in pounds, like it does in my chest, well Wow.  Good night, guys, pray tomorrow is better than today.

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