A New Identity…

I have played many different roles in my life.  Here are a few:
1. Daughter
2. Sister
3. Friend
4. Mother
5. Wife
6. Employee
And that’s just to name a few.  I am sure that we can all think of all the different roles that we play and titles we have had in our life.  But it’s weird to me, the one that I seem to identify with is the term “widow”.  When I meet people, I feel like I need to tell them.  It’s not that I want to – I need to.  My friend Krissie made me go get my haircut today – It needed it bad before Shaun died – Imagine now (I have very short hair – so trust when I say it’s bad).  Anyway, Veronica at Ulta(who did a great job – so insert plug here), introduces herself, and asks me how I am doing today.  My response, classic mind you –
“I am okay.  But my husband died 3 weeks ago.  My friend made me come here to get my haircut.”  Poor lady… way to drop a mega bomb on her.  I kinda felt horrible but I couldn’t shut up.  That’s my identity now.  Shaun’s widow.  I feel like I need people to know.  To understand why I am the way I am.  It’s weird.  It’s almost like a way to tell people that you feel like you are only half alive.  To let them know, that you might look okay, but you are broken.  And why do you want people to know you are broken?  I have no idea. I never felt that way before. If I had issues I liked to smile, and say “Everything’s great.”  Well, at least to people I don’t know.  Why has this become my new identity – I’m not sure – because I know deep down, I am still his wife, I’m still a daughter, sister, mother, and friend.  But I feel like the term “widow” describes my heart.  And it hurts – but God is with me – he will make it clear soon.

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